There are so many things that can be said about America. It is the land of the free. It is the land of liberty, in fact, we have so much liberty in this country that we have a statue in its honor. We love hotdogs, apple pie, baseball and our god damned birthdays. Donald Trump wants to make America great again, but we are already great.
In honor of America being so damned great, everyone’s favorite boring beer company Anheuser Busch is going to take their landmark beer Budweiser, and change its name until Election Day. Can you guess what they are going to call it? Write down your answers. Okay, pencils down.
They are going to call it “America”!
Now I love the good ole USA. I sing the National Anthem at every sporting event proudly. I spend most days whistling the Pledge of Allegiance off key. I support the troops. I buy American. I am as patriotic as you can be with one exception, I don’t support the Patriots. Seriously, screw that handsome Tom Brady and his deflated balls. Moving on, Budweiser is not just changing their name, they are changing the whole damn label!
Here are a few changes you can expect:
“King of Beers” has been changed to “E Pluribus Unum.” “The World Renowned” is being changed to “Land of the Free.” Remember all of that Liberty I talked about? Well, “Anheuser-Busch, Inc.” is being updated to read “Liberty & Justice for All.” Even the tiny legal garbage like “Trademark” was changed to “Indivisible,” and “Registered” has been changed to “Since 1776”
The best part about this patriotic handjob is that Budweiser is not even (technically) an American beer anymore. They were purchased by INBEV which is a Belgium company. If a beer had to be renamed “America”, a better choice would have been Yuengling (regardless of the fact that it tastes like burnt hair) or Boston Beer Co., the owner of Sam Adams. Both of those companies are still American owned.
For my two cents, if Budweiser really wanted to be patriotic, why not pull out all the stops? They can help Donald Trump build his wall to help keep out that Mexican beer Corona. Because if there is a beer worse than Budweiser it is definitely Corona. Maybe Corona will rename itself “Mexico”.
So the next time you go to the bar and you order a Budweiser and the bartender gives you a strange look. Quickly apologize and say “I am sorry can I please get an AMERICA!?”